


Dinner and a Show

by somanyofthekids



Series: Fauntlings [4]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Humor, M/M, This is super ridiculous, boffinshield - Freeform, first chapter is pretty innocent, second chapter is definitely PWP
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-20
Updated: 2015-12-30
Packaged: 2018-05-07 23:26:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5474438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somanyofthekids/pseuds/somanyofthekids
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The boyfriends go out for dinner, shenanigans ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Id even k guys. Nothing I write for these three is ever quite as delightful as what they are in my head, but that doesn't seem to stop me from trying ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ So here, have some Boffinshield ridiculousness. 
> 
> Written from a prompt on [imagineyourot3.tumblr.com](http://imagineyourot3.tumblr.com/post/126073453382/imagine-your-ot3-going-out-on-their-first-official)
> 
> Slapped up on tumblr first before getting cleaned up and posted here. 
> 
>  
> 
> [somanyofthekids.tumblr.com](http://somanyofthekids.tumblr.com/)

 

 

 

**Bilbo** : _Thorin lit the kitchen on fire. We're going out for dinner._

**Bofur:** _Okay. Can we go to Red Robin? They have bottomless steak fries._

**Bilbo:** _You're not even going to ask how he lit it on fire? Or how bad the damage is? Or whether we're alright?_

Bilbo could almost hear the shrug over the phone.

**Bofur** : _You said we're going out to dinner, so I assume everyone still has their important bits. I'll see the damage when I get home. And Thorin has almost lit the kitchen on fire so many times that I'm surprised he hasn't done it just by looking at it yet. Besides, I told him not to do the gelatin thing before I left this morning._

**Bilbo:** _You knew about the gelatin?!_

**Bofur:** _Don't blame me, he gets his stubbornness from your side of the family._

Bilbo rolled his eyes.

**Bilbo:** _Let's meet at the Red Robin on 5th and Oak right after work k?_

**Bofur:** _K. I love you <3 Tell the chef I love him too._

 

 

 

“Are you boys ready to order?”

“Ye-”

“Not quite, thanks.”

The waitress stuck her pencil back into her pocket and smiled brightly. “I'll give you a few more minutes then, alright?”

Bilbo nodded at her and then looked back at the menu. Bofur sighed dramatically and lay down on the side of the booth he had claimed for his own.

“If I STARVE to death before Bilbo decides between the BLT and the BLT burger, tell my family I loved them. Well, most of 'em. Tell Bombur I liked him and tell Bifur he was okay sometimes. You can tell Bombur's kids that I loved them.”

Thorin chuckled and Bilbo looked frostily over his menu.

“You're hardly nearing the plight of the Donner Party, Bofur. You came for the fries anyway, and they'll be out first.”

Bofur popped back up in his seat with a grin. “Oh yeah! I love those fries.”

Bofur pushed his back against the wall of the booth and brought his legs up to rest along the seat.

“So what exactly happened with the gelatin, babe?”

Thorin heaved a mournful sigh.

“I didn't know the powder was flammable,” he grumbled. “And it wouldn't have been a problem if we had a reasonable electric stovetop instead of a gas range!”

“Don't you blame this on my gas stove, Thorin,” scolded Bilbo. “That stove is perfect and blameless.”

Thorin looked over at Bofur plaintively. “I just wanted to make fruit snacks! The woman on youtube made it look so easy. If I hadn't left the potholder so close, and if the powder hadn't poured out so damn fast, then I definitely could have done it. We could be having kiwi flavored fruit snacks for dinner.”

Bofur scrunched his nose. “That doesn't even sound good.”

“Alright, I'm getting the BLT.”

“Finally! Put all the menus on the edge of the table so she knows we're ready,” said Bofur eagerly.

Bilbo leaned over to place his menu with the others and pecked Thorin on the cheek on his way back.

“It's alright love. We can try again _-together-_ after we fix the kitchen. I'll do the measuring and pouring and stirring, and you can read me the recipe. Possibly from a different room.”

Thorin scowled, but then brightened. “If we have the gelatin powder out, maybe you could make marshmallows too?”

“Yeah, alright,” Bilbo smiled, relaxed. His eyes wandered over his boyfriends and then around the restaurant.

“Hey. You know what? I think this is the first time all three of us have been out to eat together, on a proper date. Thorin, we've been to dinner, and I meet Bofur for lunch sometimes, and you two have your Saturday brunch thing, but I think we've only ever ordered in when it's all three of us.”

“It's more fun to order in when it's the three of us. Establishments like this tend to frown on my permanent goal of getting you both naked before the meal is over,” said Bofur cheekily.

The waitress arrived in the middle of that sentence. She quirked a brow and a smile. “Yes, unfortunately the health inspector has ideas about sanitary conditions. Ready to order?”

“Yes!” announced Bofur vehemently. “I’ll have an order of fries, the wings appetizer plate, and a side of mac and cheese, please.”

“I’ll have the Whisky River burger,” added Thorin, nodding his thanks.

“And I’ll have the Seafood Scatter, thank you,” finished Bilbo. The other two stared at him. Bilbo said nothing, but smiled up at the waitress as she picked up the menus and promised them speedy arrival of the food.

“BLT, huh?” said Bofur.

“I have every right to change my mind- and at least I ordered an actual meal!” justified Bilbo.

“An entire plate of chicken wings with fries and macaroni and cheese is probably more than enough for a meal, though,” reasoned Thorin.

“Exactly my point! I can practically hear your colon weeping already,” sniffed Bilbo.

Thorin smiled and kissed Bilbo on his temple before looking back at Bofur.

“How was work?”

“Very work-like. I drew some pictures and not a single person tried to make out with me. Really, I don’t know why I keep going.”

The corner of Thorin’s mouth quirked up. “Drew some pictures? I would swear they used different terminology for that in your engineering classes.”

“Oh no, that’s a technical term. Beyond gelatin, how was your day off?”

“More relaxing than I thought it would be, once the fire was out. I’ve never actually used a floating holiday before; it was weird to just not be at work in the middle of the week. I took a nap.” He shrugged. “No one tried to make out with me either.”

“I _told_ you I’d be working on my book all day," inserted Bilbo. 

“Here are your fries!” The waitress announced as she reappeared and placed the hot basket on the table. “By the way, I assumed that you wanted the wings at the same time as the rest of the meals, right?”

Bofur put his feet down, rubbed his hands together and pulled the fries directly in front of himself. “That’s right, thanks!”

She nodded and left again.

While Bofur made a serious attempt at suffocating himself with deep fried potatoes, Thorin sipped the last of his water through his straw, and rattled the ice around looking for more to drink.

“My editor thinks the antagonist is too cartoonish,” Bilbo mused as he absentmindedly fiddled with his silverware. “Really, for a character that’s largely based on Donald Trump he’s not cartoonish _enough._ The xenophobia has to stay for plot reasons, but I suppose I could get rid of the persecution complex or obscene amounts of privileged wealth…”

Thorin continued rattling the ice, now trying to reach a particular piece at the bottom.

“Maybe you should model the character on Jeb Bush instead. Still evil, but more subtle.”

Bofur, mouth full of fries, noticed a man at a table a few feet away giving Thorin’s glass the evil eye.

_Clink-clunk-thonk-_ “Whoops.”

Bilbo had dropped his spoon underneath the table. He quickly ducked down, disappearing completely, before popping up next to Bofur.

“Hello love!” He smiled brilliantly, spoon in hand. He leaned forward and smacked a kiss on Bofur’s lips before ducking back underneath the table and reappearing next to Thorin. He had a fry in hand.

Bofur gasped.

_"Burglar-!”_ but before he could demand repayment of his precious potato, his eyes were drawn back to the man who had been glaring at Thorin’s glass. The man’s mouth had dropped open. His eyes were darting from Bilbo to Bofur to Thorin and then back to Bilbo.

Bofur lowered his voice. “Hey, I think that guy over there saw Bilbo kiss both of us. Thorin, quick, kiss me and we can _really_ confuse him!”

Thorin rolled his eyes and spoke around the piece of ice he had triumphantly fetched.

“I’m not going to kiss you just to irritate someone who can’t mind their own business.”

Bofur pouted.

“But that’s half the fun of polyamory!”

Bilbo was the one to roll his eyes this time as Thorin started work on another piece of ice at the bottom of his cup.

“And here I thought you were in this relationship because you love us or some nonsense like that.”

“Nope, strictly for shock value and your two lovely co-”

“You had the Seafood Scatter, right?” Their waitress held a platter with three plates on it.

Bilbo nodded, and quickly they each had their meals placed in front of them.

“I’ll be right back with some more water for you, alright?” Thorin smiled and thanked her. They all dug in and it was quiet for a time.

“This shrimp is pretty good. Do you guys want some?” Bilbo asked.

“Ooo, yes!” Bofur reached over and snagged one, making little swimming movements with the crustacean on the way back to his mouth.

“Thorin?”

Thorin eyed the plate distrustfully. “No thanks.”

“Come on,” wheedled Bofur, mouth still half full. “It’s really good! And you liked that shrimp at Dis’ party last Christmas, didn’t you?”

“I didn’t _know_ it was shrimp.”

“All the more reason to try it again!” said Bilbo brightly.

Thorin picked one up and looked at it closely.

“You’ve seen live shrimp, right?” he raised his eyebrows at his boyfriends. “They look like little sea bugs. This is an ocean cockroach.” He shook his head and replaced the shrimp. “No thanks."

Bilbo looked a little ill at that description, but Bofur shrugged and popped the forsaken shrimp into his mouth.

“Still delicious.”

Sea bugs or not, eventually they each put most of the food in their stomachs and pushed their plates away.

The waitress reappeared with that magical waitress gift of showing up at exactly the right time, and asked “Will you be having dessert tonight? We have some really good cake!”

The three looked at each other and silently agreed it was time to roll out.

“Just the check please. All on one,” Thorin said.

Bilbo frowned. “You covered our last date; I can get this one.”

“I lit the kitchen on fire.”

Bilbo consideringly tipped his head. “Yeah, you did do that. I’ll get the tip then.”

Bofur leaned back and put his hands behind his head.

“So are we stopping at IKEA on the way home to look at countertops?”

Bilbo nodded. “New cabinets too.”

Bofur whistled.

“Did you guys have to call the fire department?”

“It wasn’t _that_ bad…” groused Thorin as he handed the check folder back to the waitress with his card.

“We managed to put it out ourselves. The smell is going to linger for a while, though,” Bilbo pursed his lips. “It’s a good thing it’s spring and we can leave the windows open most of the time. Maybe we should go ahead and replace the sink too… we could get one of those big basin farmhouse sinks…” His eyes took on a faraway look, and Bofur and Thorin knew they’d mentally lost him to the aisles of the home furnishing giant.

Bofur stole another glance over at the nosy man’s table and accidentally met his eyes. The man raised his eyebrows as if in a challenge, but Bofur just grinned. He leaned forward over the table close to Thorin, nodding toward the stranger and whispering “Come on! Just a little kiss; I bet he’ll lose his mind.”

Thorin chuckled and gave him a lightning fast kiss on the tip of his nose. Bofur eagerly looked over at the other table, but the man had his eyes down and was shoving a burger in his face.

The waitress returned and handed the folder back to Thorin. “Thanks so much! I just want to say you three make a real cute… couple? Trio? Anyway, you seem happy together. Have a good night!”

Thorin blushed and muttered thanks, while Bofur gave up a shit eating grin and Bilbo smiled at the kind compliment. Bilbo took the folder from Thorin and put the waitress’s tip in it before Bofur grabbed it from his hands and pulled a pen out of his pocket.

Thorin and Bilbo stood up and stretched out their legs while Bofur hurriedly scribbled something down on the back of the restaurant receipt. He finished and shoved it back in the folder before standing up next to the table himself.

Thorin flipped open the folder with one finger to take a look at the receipt, suspecting some kind of bawdy joke. On it was a fast, but frankly adorable, cartoon version of the three of them holding hands and saying “Thanks for the great service!” A soft smile lit up his features, and he turned to Bofur, taking his face in both hands and kissing him.

An incredibly loud gasp came from the table next to them. The previously glaring man had his mouth hanging open, a bit of burger falling from it. His eyes were as big as saucers.

When the sweet kiss ended, Bofur looked at the man, winked, and said “Just like on RedTube, huh?”

“Oh, for gods sake Bofur,” Bilbo muttered. “Let's go to IKEA.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A trip to IKEA and then doing the do. It's super romantic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is unrelated to the original prompt, I just felt like adding some blasphemy ♪~ ᕕ(ᐛ)ᕗ
> 
> [The quick scene of them in IKEA is 100% ripped off from that video of the dude annoying his girlfriend with puns, because it's absolutely something Bofur would do.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7T2oje4cYxw)
> 
> The rest of it came from my proclivity for sin.
> 
> Thanks Beautyagegoodnesssize for fixing my mistakes!

 

“Psst.. hey, Thorin- Do you think we’ll need a new **_Hammarp_ ** to install the countertop?” Bofur whispered behind Thorin’s head.

Thorin’s mouth twitched, but he gave Bofur a dry look.

Bofur pointed to a bracket.

“I think it would be a **_Capita_ ** idea.”

“-Alright, so we’re all agreed that Karlby in walnut finish will look best with the floors?” asked Bilbo, his eyes still focused on the butcher block countertop display.

Thorin whipped his head back to Bilbo and nodded.

“Yeah, it’ll look great,” said Bofur cheerily.

“Good, that’s set then. Let’s look at the cabinets. We should be able to get away with just replacing the doors, but we should probably do all of them to match…” Bilbo continued muttering for his own benefit and the three of them walked to a different display kitchen.

As they walked by a dish drainer, Bofur nudged Thorin and pointed to it.

“If your hair gets much longer, you’ll have to **_Bygel_ ** in a bigger bottle.”

Thorin’s face twitched a few times before he got it back under control.

“Stop it,” he hissed. “You know how seriously Bilbo takes IKEA.”

Bofur leaned against a kitchen cart and grinned. “It’s alright, it won’t be long before we **_Flytta_ ** out of here.”

“If you think I can’t hear you both, then I seriously think we need to get your hearing checked,” called back Bilbo. “Now hurry and catch up or tonight I will go **_Mästerby_ ** alone and leave you both cold.”

 

When they got home that night they all kicked off their shoes at the door as per the “House” (Bilbo’s) rules, and Bilbo immediately went to throw all the windows back open.

“Bofur, where’s the measuring tape?” asked Thorin. “We should get the measurements and place the order tonight.”

Bofur reached into his pocket and pulled out a little tape measure before reaching behind him to open a drawer and pull out another regular sized one.

“For future reference, there’s also one in the laundry room and two more in the garage.”

“Why do we have so many measuring tapes?”

“Dick measuring contests.”

Thorin rolled his eyes. _Engineers._

“Metaphorical or literal, we both know who would win one of those, and it wouldn’t be either of us. Come help me get the numbers we need.”

A bit later, Thorin was just reaching up to recheck his last measurement when Bofur squeezed in between him and the counter and jumped up to seat himself there.

“Hey there handsome,” Bofur winked.

Thorin smirked and immediately forgot about the cabinet doors. He dropped his hands down on the countertop to trap Bofur.

“Hey baby,” his low voice rumbled.

Bofur’s cheeks pinked up, always pleased at the endearment, but he muttered “Stop being sweet when I’m trying to seduce you.”

“Oh, I apologize. Please, tell me about your _Throbbing Girth_ _™_ and how yo-” Bofur cut him off with a kiss.

The kiss started off half smile, but quickly deepened. Bofur ran his tongue over Thorin’s lower lip and nipped at it; Thorin’s fingers reflexively curled on the counter. He reached around to grasp Bofur’s ass and pull him closer, stepping further into the vee of Bofur’s legs.

Bofur made a little delighted noise and threw his arms around Thorin’s neck, burying his hands in the soft, dark hair.

“You know, I really think- Oh for heaven’s sake you two.” Bilbo had finished the windows and finally made it back to the kitchen. “It smells awful in here, can we at least move this to the bedroom where it’s better ventilated? And more comfortable, I might add.” His words belied the _very_ interested look on his face, which said he probably would have been fine with the kitchen floor if push came to shove.

Luckily, it didn’t. Thorin grasped Bofur around the thighs and lifted him off the counter to carry him down the hallway to the bedroom. Bilbo led the way and laughed when Thorin unceremoniously dumped Bofur on their bed.

“Lord save me from the romantics,” said Bofur flatly.

Bilbo got up onto the bed and leaned over Bofur to kiss him sweetly.

“No one is coming to save you, much less any Lord. You’ll just have to submit to our wicked plans- starting with removing this shirt.”

“Oh, well if you insist,” grinned Bofur.

Thorin had already gotten rid of everything but his boxers, and jumped onto the bed to kneel behind Bilbo. He leaned over to nose Bilbo’s curls and kiss the back of his neck while he reached around to undo the smaller man’s shirt buttons. Bilbo leaned back into the kisses and started to help.

Bofur had sat up and kicked off every stitch of clothing by the time Bilbo was divested of his shirt. He leaned forward to kiss Bilbo’s lips and reached for the button on his trousers to speed things along.

Now that Thorin’s job with the shirt was done, he reached over Bilbo to let Bofur’s hair out of the small hair tie he had used to pull it back earlier. Thorin ran his hands through the obscenely silky locks, wrapping his fingers around it and gently encouraging his head back and up so he could cut in and kiss him. Thorin’s tongue ran along Bofur’s as Bilbo slipped out from between them to lose the rest of his clothes.

Unnecessary space between them now, Bofur and Thorin moved closer together, Bofur’s hands touching and kneading down Thorin’s torso as his lips found their way to Thorin’s neck. His teeth scraped down to his collarbone where he sucked and nipped enough to leave a mark while his thumbs hooked in the waistband of Thorin’s boxers. Thorin, immensely distracted by the intermittent softness of lips and bite of teeth, took a minute before he realized he needed to move to get the last bit of clothing off.

Bilbo hopped back on the bed behind Bofur and peppered kisses all over his shoulders as his palms slid down the muscled back to rest with his thumbs pressed rubbing into his sacrum. Even as Bofur was helping Thorin slide out of his boxers, he was acutely aware of the heat radiating from Bilbo’s hands. He pushed backwards and more firmly into those hands, not bothering to remove his lips from their downward journey towards Thorin’s chest.

“Ah-!” a soft gasp came from Thorin, but it was distinctly unsexy. As he rolled his shoulder, Bofur sat back and Bilbo’s chin came forward to sit on his shoulder, both their faces concerned.

“What was that?” asked Bilbo.

“Nothing, nothing. My shoulder just twinged a little, it’s fine,” he was obviously trying to minimize, although his mouth was still grimacing.

“Oh, fine is it? Cause I was thinking we could move this up against a wall-” said Bofur with a raised eyebrow.

Thorin frowned at him.

“Alright, maybe not ‘fine’, but it’s not a big deal. I think I just tweaked my bad shoulder when I was putting out the fire earlier. I’m sure it’s nothing a good orgasm couldn’t fix,” he quirked a smile with that last part.

“Ah, you,” sighed Bilbo. “Lay down on your stomach in the middle of the bed; we’ll give you a massage.”

“-And a happy ending!” inserted Bofur. Bilbo snorted, but didn’t deny it.

Thorin moved to the center of the mattress and Bilbo reached over the side of the bed, returning with lotion. He scooted up, kneeling with his seat on the pillows and knees on either side of Thorin’s head. Bofur swung his leg over the prone form and sat directly on Thorin’s ass. He wiggled back and forth for good measure. Bilbo put a dollop of lotion on his hands and passed the bottle over to Bofur before he began working small circles into Thorin’s neck and upper shoulders. Bofur took a more generous squeeze and started smoothing it over the perpetually tight muscles of Thorin’s back and shoulder blades. For a while there was nothing but quiet and the lightly spiced smell of the lotion. Thorin felt his skin gently warm with long strokes from the hands of his loves. Slowly, he began to relax further and further, feeling the tightness in his shoulder vanish. He paid attention to the different methods of the four hands working his body.

Bilbo’s small hands were deft and precise, short clipped fingertips working in exactly where he needed it most. Short, firm strokes and long, hot caresses came in turn, never pressing too hard or in the wrong place.

Bofur’s long fingers danced across his back, doing less to actually massage than to just pleasantly rub. The familiarity of his touch did more to soothe Thorin than the actual motions. Bofur dug the heels of his hands in long strokes into the muscles of his back, pulling a relieved moan from Thorin as Bofur chuckled.

Eventually the balance tipped, and the four hands were doing more to incite than they were to relax. His nerves sparked with even the lightest brush of touch. Fingernails bit in here and there, giving pleasing contrast to the smoothness of the other strokes. Every time Bilbo’s finger tips reached up behind his ears, or Bofur’s palms came close to his glutes, Thorin found his hips hitching forward into the bed without his permission.

After a while, Bilbo gradually gentled his touch and casually said “I bet you could use a rub too, Bofur. Thorin, why don’t you flip over so Bofur can work your front, and I’ll get Bofur’s back while he’s working on you.”

Too content for actual words, Thorin grunted and flipped over as Bilbo moved. Bofur lifted up long enough for him turn right side up before placing himself back down at the tops of Thorin’s thighs to give an appreciatory and anticipatory look at the cock standing straight up from Thorin. He started to lean forward to rub at that delightfully muscled chest when cold lotion on his own back made him shiver.

“Sorry,” said Bilbo softly. “I’ll warm it up quickly.”

He did, starting with sweeping strokes up and down Bofur’s spine and ribs. Bofur hummed under the touch as he slowly leaned forward again, this time to knead Thorin’s sides while he kissed along his chest.

Thorin let out a breathy sigh at the newly increased proximity of Bofur’s body. His hands came up to run through Bofur’s hair again, revelling in the feeling of the strands falling through his fingers. Bofur’s mouth slid to a nipple that he took between his teeth, making Thorin shudder while his fingers tightened in the hair. Bofur moaned at that, and Bilbo’s cock twitched in response to the sounds.

Bilbo’s hands gradually worked down Bofur’s back, rubbing in small circles. As he got closer to the rounded cheeks at the end of his back, Bofur wiggled his ass back and forth temptingly. Needing no further encouragement, Bilbo slid his hands to run his thumb down the crease while the rest of his fingers kneaded the muscles. Bofur groaned again in response and pulled his mouth away from the skin he was sucking to rest his forehead against Thorin’s sternum.

“Yeah?” asked Bilbo.

“God, _yes,_ ” responded Bofur.

Bilbo smirked and hopped off the bed to fetch the lube.

Bofur continued sucking his way down Thorin’s body, pausing here and there for a nip and purposely burying his nose in a couple of spots that he knew to be ticklish until Thorin flicked his ear. Bofur huffed a laugh against the heated skin and scooted further back, ass in the air and face buried in the crease of Thorin’s inner thigh.

Bilbo situated himself again just in time for Bofur to lick one of Thorin’s stones into his mouth. Thorin moaned, Bilbo circled one lubed finger around Bofur’s rim, Bofur moaned, and Thorin moaned again in response to the vibrations.

Bilbo just sat back and enjoyed the view.

A fingertip of one hand disappeared into his lover, while the thumb of his other hand ran firmly up the arch of his other lover’s foot. Thorin’s toes curled in response.

Bilbo leaned over Bofur’s back, pressing kisses to his spine as the rest of his finger entered the body beneath him. He looked up past Bofur’s back and over his shoulder to see Thorin’s eyes closed and his hands lightly caressing the crown of Bofur’s head. Bilbo began moving his finger, feeling the heat and smoothness of the walls inside before pulling out and pushing back in.

Bofur, ever the vocal lover, loudly said “Christ, _please_.”

Bilbo ran his free hand over Bofur’s back, making soothing noises in response to the pleading when Thorin said “He may perform miracles in this bed, but I’m pretty sure his name is actually Bilbo.”

Bofur gathered himself enough to glare up at Thorin and exact revenge in the form of immediately swallowing down his cock.

“Oh, fuck!” Thorin’s hands moved to the sheets, twisting as he was swept under the onslaught of sensation.

Bofur pulled back a little to mouth at the velvet head, and Bilbo introduced a second finger to his body. As he slowly and gently spread his fingers, Bilbo ran the heel of his hand down the skin behind Bofur’s testicles, palming over the stones before grasping his erection. He moved his hand in time with his fingers, just enough to distract.

Thorin, for his own effort, was doing his best not to thrust into Bofur’s mouth. The hot, flat tongue running over the underside of his crown was exquisite, and in combination with Bofur’s long fingers rolling his stones in his hand before stroking the skin to his perineum, he felt divinely touched.

Bilbo added more lube to his fingers and gently worked a third into Bofur, reaching in as far as his smallish hands would go in order to find…

 _“Ah!”_ The sound was choked out around Thorin’s dick, causing Bilbo to chuckle again. He stroked over the spot again, easing the way as his free hand reached down to palm his own cock.

Bofur pulled off of Thorin to breathe a string of curses against his thigh.

“Bilbo, come on baby, don’t be mean.”

“Hm? Did you want something sweetie?” Bilbo asked, not taking taking his eyes from the sight of himself entering Bofur’s body.

“Don’t you ‘sweetie’ me with three fingers in my ass, just get in there and _fuck me_.”

Bilbo gave a particularly clever push and curl of his fingers.

“I thought that’s what I was doing?”

Bofur gave a wordless growl.

Bilbo smirked and said “Alright, alright…” He grabbed the lube a final time to coat his erection and carefully removed his fingers to a groan from Bofur, who had his mouth pressed against Thorin’s inner thigh again.

Bilbo grasped the warm hip in front of him with one hand and guided his cock with the other. Bofur felt the blunt head pressing in, spreading him. Moment by moment, Bilbo pushed inside, the fullness almost too much to handle.

Bilbo suddenly regretted teasing Bofur for so long; once he was fully seated he had to pause a moment to keep from coming immediately. Holding still was made harder by the fact that Bofur refused to stop hitching his hips.

“Move, damn it!”

Instead of answering, Bilbo took a firm grip on the hips in front of him to still them, and slowly pulled back before pushing back in even more slowly. Bofur gave out yet another low moan and took Thorin’s cock back in his mouth. He savored the feeling of being filled on both sides, swallowing down as far as he could go while Bilbo languorously slid heated inches in and out of him.

Thorin watched as Bilbo began to move, eyes wide and not wanting to miss a moment of pleasure on either of their faces. The tight, wet heat of Bofur’s mouth was heaven, and when he felt fingers trailing down behind his balls, he spread his legs farther in invitation.

Too greedy to remove his mouth from Thorin, Bofur reached behind himself and made a grabby hand.

Bilbo gave a light slap to one of the cheeks he was currently between and said, rather breathlessly, “Use your words, dork,” but handed the lube to him anyway.

With frankly amazing dexterity, Bofur managed to coat his middle finger in lube and stick it up at Bilbo before trailing it over Thorin’s hole. Bilbo gave one forceful thrust in retaliation, which only served to give Bofur stars behind his eyes as Bilbo’s thick cock stroked over his prostate.

Bofur slipped one finger into Thorin, and the large hands that had been gently placed on his skull tightened in his hair. Knowing exactly how to use his long fingers, Bofur started moving it in time with Bilbo’s increasingly commanding thrusts.

Thorin felt his testicles begin to tighten under Bofur. He could see that Bofur was keeping Bilbo’s rhythm, and that knowledge combined with being inside of Bofur while Bofur was inside of him was proving to be too much. Bofur’s finger curled and pressed inside, and Thorin had just enough time to gasp “I-” before Bofur pulled off and Thorin was coming all over his stomach.

Bofur’s fist worked him through the orgasm, prolonging it while Bilbo slowed his movement to watch the pleasure wash over Thorin.

When Bofur finally let go of Thorin and slipped out his finger, he immediately moved his hand to his own member and began stroking.

Pulling his eyes away from his sated boyfriend, Bilbo looked down to see Bofur’s arm moving. He started working up a forceful rhythm that he knew would satisfy them both sooner rather than later.

The tight ring of heat around his cock felt amazing, and Bilbo smoothed his hands up and down the expanse of skin before him, running fingers over the bumps of the spine before gripping the hips and truly beginning to pound away.

Bofur’s vocalizations suddenly got louder as Bilbo’s thick cock pressed against his prostate. Bilbo pulled back and hammered against it, filling him over and over again until the scorching channel tightened further around him and began spasming as Bofur orgasmed over his own fist..

Bilbo finally let go and gave a handful more thrusts before being pushed over the edge and coming deep inside Bofur.

After a moment of hard breathing, Bilbo gently pulled out and Bofur collapsed forward onto Thorin’s chest. Bilbo flopped sideways and turned to bury his face in the sides of the other two.

“We should shower,” Bilbo suggested sleepily and without conviction.

“Unless ‘shower’ is new slang that the kids are using to mean ‘fall asleep with your boyfriends’, then I want no part of that,” rebutted Bofur.

“At least grab the tissues,” yawned Bilbo.

Thorin lifted one long arm to reach the box on the nightstand. A few minutes later, they were under the covers with Bilbo in the middle, Bofur’s face smushed against his shoulder and Thorin’s leg swung up across both of their calves.

 

No one remembered to place the order for the countertops until the next morning.


End file.
